Pause for Reflection

Since this is a blog for self-discovery, I think it is important to pause for a moment and do some reflection.  I recently asked for input on my last blog regarding validation from an online Non-PD group.  This group is slightly different from others I’ve joined since they have a stronger emphasis on validation and other tools to effectively manage ‘staying’ with a PD partner.

They offered some general advice, but really keyed in on my last sentence, and the overall tone of my blog.  At first I became somewhat defensive (sound familiar?) but then I had to take a step back and look in the mirror.  I do have bitterness.  I do have resentment, and I do hold some contempt for my wife.  That’s not too fun to admit, nor does it make me feel particularly good.

Finally, though it felt good to be validated by my new BPD friend Sarah, I wondered if her comment re-enforced an observation some had made about my blog; that I write from a ‘victim’ standpoint.  My intent for this blog was not ‘Whoa is me,’ but rather ‘This is what it can be like to live with someone with BPD and this is my journey’.  I have become aware of my son’s (Taz) use of playing the victim, as an excuse for his behavior, and I have become adept at recognizing when Stormy takes on a similar stance.  But perhaps I am inept at seeing this in myself.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye”.  Matthew 7:3-5

It gives me something to think about.  I really need the Holy Spirit to help me discern things, because I know that sometimes my understanding can be like a dandelion floret tossed about in the wind.  One person can say something to make me feel one way, and then someone else comes along and makes me feel another.  This is an aspect of codependency, a word seemingly abhorred by members of this particular group.  The group also has a certain disdain for other groups I belong to and also have a negative view about boundaries, something I’ve recently come to have a pretty good biblical appreciation for.  And finally, the following does not sit right with me:

“Dude,you have not been ‘abused’”, and subsequent invalidation of the term ‘emotional abuse.’

I would never make such an assessment of another.  Though I was molested as a child, I would never tell someone who ‘only’ endured unwanted sexual advances that they weren’t abused if they felt they were.  I have no right to their perception.  I have no right to dismiss how it may have affected them.  Especially odd from a group where validation is supposed to be some sort of hallmark.  I don’t necessarily want a support system that agrees with me.  Challenges help one to grow.  But I have felt better validated in the groups for whom they seem to have contempt.  Kooky.

That being said, I need light to shine on both positive and negative, and learn to separate the wheat from the chaff.

“His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire."  Matthew 3:12